Stop trying to "calm down" in your premenstrual phase and do this instead...

Today's topic dives deep into what to do when simply trying not to get angry isn’t working. If you're like me, you might experience your premenstrual phase as anger or rage. And you know what? There’s no shame in that. Admitting these feelings is a step towards understanding them. But even if this isn’t part of your experience, this discussion might still be valuable for those moments when you feel anger rising and can't seem to manage it.

Understanding why telling yourself to “calm down” doesn’t work is essential. The truth is that emotions, especially anger, are parts of us that crave attention. This is why attempts to calm down often fail—they ignore an internal part that’s trying to communicate something important.

Listening to Your Emotions

Any emotion, particularly anger, holds a message. It can signal old wounds or point to a piece of essential information. Disregarding these feelings by simply calming down means missing out on the chance to heal or learn from your past experiences. Instead, regulating yourself allows you to build the capacity to sit with discomfort and eventually gain insights from it.

If you have been dealing with premenstrual anger or any uncomfortable emotion, it’s important to know that trying not to feel that way is not the solution. I’ll share two strategies to help you create some space around these emotions, allowing you to accept the wisdom behind them.

Practice 1: Noticing the Build-Up

Our emotional state rarely goes from zero to a hundred instantly. More often than not, there are signs and build-ups that go unnoticed until the very last moment when we’ve reached our limit. It’s easier to handle emotions when we recognize them early. Think of it as watching a pot on the stove before it boils over. The earlier you notice the simmering, the more likely you can prevent making a mess.

By noticing the build-up and acknowledging that anger is a part of you seeking attention, you can start asking what it needs from you. It's a real practice to tune into these feelings moment by moment, but it’s worth the effort. Communicate with yourself and those around you early in this process.

Something that often gets in the way of this is our tendency to avoid or suppress anger. Suppressing anger can stem from fear or shame. Perhaps you’ve been taught that anger is bad, especially as a woman, leading to internalized suppression of these emotions. It’s crucial to find healthy outlets for expressing anger, such as through art, exercise, or journaling. These practices can help you face anger without fear of it being destructive.

Consider reflecting on why you might push anger down. Understanding these reasons allows you to shift your mindset toward embracing rather than rejecting your emotions and will make it easier to notice the build up.

Practice 2: Creating Space Between You and Anger

Instead of focusing on calming down the anger, focus on the space between you and the emotion. When you feel overwhelmed, there’s often a small voice inside questioning why you’re reacting this way. Listen to it. Recognize this distance—it allows you to become the observer rather than the overwhelmed participant.

This unblending technique provides the gap needed to sit with your anger and understand its message. By doing so, you can eventually access the wisdom hidden within the emotion without being engulfed by it. If you want more detail of this I’d recommend listening to the full podcast episode above!

Conclusion

I hope these ideas resonate with you and help you in your journey to deal with anger more constructively. Thank you for dedicating your precious time to reading this post. If anything resonated—or if it didn’t—feel free to reach out to me. I'd love to hear your thoughts and any questions you might have. Let’s continue this conversation and support each other in embracing our emotional selves.